Does couples therapy really work for unhappy couples, or is it just a waste of time, postponing the inevitable breakup? The hope is that you both want to work it out and a professional, third party will set down rules and provide guidance out of your relationship troubles. While couples online therapy is not a magic fix, partners that go through the process of couple counseling are often successful at rekindling that fire of remembering why they got together in the first place.
Couples therapy can sound dramatic, but it can be a very healthy step for any romantic relationship. It's usually a sign that a couple is interested in working on growing their healthy relationship in a committed, intentional way regardless of how unhappy they are.
If you are considering relationship counseling, but unsure about whether it will be worth your effort and financial investment, you are certainly not alone. Couples therapy is notoriously expensive because it’s treating two people instead of one, and because the treatment is often long-term to really fix underlying issues. Read our blog answering the question, “how much is couples therapy,” for more information on the true cost of counseling.
Couples therapy is a type of psychotherapy focused on helping partners work through challenges, understand their relationship better, develop healthier ways of communicating with one another, and can even help couples figure out how to know when your marriage is over. The couples counselor uses specific therapeutic techniques, exercises, and interventions to support the couple's goals.
Many couples come to couples therapy because they're dealing with a specific challenge that they believe is one of the keys to a happy marriage, such as communication issues, difficulties around sex, affairs, or considering a breakup. At the core, it's about helping couples get unstuck from painful dynamics that keep getting repeated.
The good news is that couples counseling work as it is currently practiced—using Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT)—is now roughly 75 percent effective, according to the American Psychological Association. Outcome studies have included couple therapy for high-stress clients such as military couples, veterans with PTSD, parents of chronically ill children, and infertile couples. Results are also positive and substantial across different cultural groups.
The most common outcome measure has been self-reported using a particular questionnaire called the Dyadic Adjustment Scale (DAS). This measure has been used since 1976 and provides a good comparison of success rates now versus those from past decades. The major positive outcome is the reduction of complaints (“relationship distress”) between partners. Post-treatment scores are compared to pre-treatment scores for the same couple, and also to the scores of couples who have been wait-listed for treatment. The positive results have consistently been found to continue for at least two years after the conclusion of treatment
That level of success is encouraging, but we should not expect that couples who are in abusive relationships (whether it is physical or emotional abuse) should not expect improvement in therapy until the abusive behavior stops. Separate therapy is often recommended for each partner in order to work toward self-control or to maintain safety, depending on the individual’s needs. Likewise, EFT is not recommended for couples already in the process of separating, which is contrary to the goals of establishing a more secure attachment. Substance abuse in the absence of physical or emotional abuse does not preclude couples therapy as long as the addicted person is actively working to manage the addiction.
Couples come to therapy for any number of reasons, in addition to infidelity, for relationship issues like sex, communication, money, and major life changes such as getting married or starting a family. Couples therapy is also a good idea if one of you is coping with an issue that might be affecting your relationship such as depression or a death in the family, or simply if you’re feeling stagnant in your relationship.
Therapy can provide a safe space to talk about sensitive topics such as sex. Communication is also a big concern for couples. But, simply talking with each other more isn’t the answer. Both parties need to feel heard, soothed, respected and cared for first. In couples therapy, you might analyze old communication patterns and then replace them with feasible and more effective ones. These are all worked out collaboratively within the context of everyday life.
Therapy allows couples to talk through their feelings and articulate how their relationship may not be meeting their expectations. More often than not, there is some common ground that may have enabled them to be in the relationship. “Feeling stuck” can shift if both parties are willing to compromise in a way so that individual needs are met.
The most positive outcomes are a result of when partners have a willingness to learn some basic skills, become more self-aware, and be emotionally vulnerable. It’s more likely to see positive changes in your relationship as a result of couples therapy when you are both able to stop seeing each other as the opponent, but rather as a team member, working to improve mutual contentment. Seeing yourselves as being “on the same team” increases cooperation and also each person’s willingness to be emotionally vulnerable. Couples therapy will likely work for your relationship if you’re both able to feel empathy for the other person. Each person needs to have compassion for the other’s feelings of vulnerability and past emotional traumas.
Lastly, a prerequisite for success in couples work is the willingness of each person to own their part in the problems as well as the process of bringing about positive change. Many individuals come to couples therapy with a list of complaints about the other person and a desire for the professional licensed therapist to validate the complaints and then change the behavior of the other person. Although there are often valid complaints, nothing is resolved unless both individuals are open to change some aspect of their own behavior.
The best time to see a couples therapist is before you think you need one. Most experts believe that therapy can be an important part of your relationship, whether it’s in duress or not. This is because most issues start small and grow in size when they don’t get resolved. This is where therapy can help, by teaching tools and techniques to improve conflict resolution.
An objective third party can be very effective when couples feel they can no longer communicate effectively. Rather than viewing therapy as the solution to a crisis, look at it as an integral aspect of a healthy life. Every couple should take preventive measures to maintain health in their relationship, just like going to the gym to maintain your health. If couples don’t work their relational and emotional muscles, they become weak and create more of a chance of damage being done to their relationship.
Although every therapist is different, there are some commonalities. The first session typically involves the therapist getting to know you, discussing the areas of the relationship they hope to improve, and setting goals. Some, but not all, therapists will assign homework for the couples to work on before the next session. Some examples of exercises might include:
1. Active Listening: This is an activity that helps you and your partner become better listeners. This is beneficial for all types of communication and makes it easier to talk about sensitive issues as well. You will learn how to be both the speaker and the listener since there is an art to both sides.
2. Sharing Your Emotions: For many individuals, sharing emotions does not come easy, and this does not usually get better when you become a couple. Believe it or not, it takes a lot of effort and practice to be able to share your emotions with others.
3. Positive Language Exercise: Yes, this is exactly what it sounds like. You should practice using positive language with your partner all the time, even when you do not feel like it. This is especially difficult but needed during a disagreement. When you feel like yelling insults, try using positive words instead. Be supportive and sweet even when you would rather not.
4. Gratitude Lists: Making a gratitude list is an excellent opportunity to say nice things about each other in written form, when verbalizing them is more difficult.
7. Make a "Fun Things to Do" List: What are some things that you and your partner have always wanted to do together but have not done yet? Each of you can make a list of five things you want to do with the other (small things you can do such as taking a walk after dinner) and give the list to your partner. Every week, you can choose one of the things on your partner's list and do it. You can also make a long-term list of things that you want to do in the future.
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. It really depends on the couple and the issues they’re working through. For some couples, a few counseling sessions may be all they need to jump-start their relationship, while others may remain in therapy for years. In general, it’s a good idea to see a therapist together until you’ve met your goals and feel confident that you’ve gained the skills necessary to navigate the ups and downs of your relationship. It’s also common for couples to go in and out of treatment throughout the duration of their relationship. As partners evolve as individuals and the impact of major life moments are felt, it might be necessary to go see a therapist for a tune up, to brush up on your communication skills.
This is a fairly common scenario in couples therapy, but how you approach it can make a difference. Try talking with your partner extensively about why you’re feeling you’d like to get into couples therapy. It won’t be effective if you just spring it on them and insist they go. If they’re still hesitant, remember that you can attend therapy on your own. Leading by example can often get the other person to go, and its effects are still felt individually and within the relationship. The hesitant partner may become impressed by these positive changes and decide to pursue therapy after all.
If you think your own experiences with therapy have piqued your partner’s curiosity, let them know that they can see the therapist individually as well. Often, by letting them know a safety zone will be created, where their voice is heard and fault or blame isn’t the goal, the hesitant partner might feel safe to join the conversation.
It helps to do your research before choosing a couples therapist, but the truth is that you won’t really know whether they’re right for you and your partner until you have an initial consultation or your first couples therapy session.
Advekit can alleviate this stress by matching you with their expansive network of providers. Get matched with a couples therapist today.
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