It’s a common refrain: relationships are hard work. Fights are normal and rough patches are par for the course. True as that may be, however, these platitudes can distract from legitimate causes for concern in one’s social and romantic life — including signs that a romantic relationship may have become, or always was, toxic. The line between healthy and unhealthy relationships can be quickly crossed, and it may be difficult to identify, even with signs that might seem obvious to others.
Toxic relationships are characterized by a lack of trust, controlling behaviors, and frequent lying. Often one romantic partner is prioritized instead of coming together as a team. While toxic relationships can, at times, be healed, both partners must be willing to adapt and work on the romantic relationship.
If you are in an abusive relationship and are able to, contact a loved one for support and assistance making an exit plan. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for being in an abusive relationship, and anyone who shames you is in the wrong.
While every relationship goes through ups and downs, a toxic relationship is consistently unpleasant and draining for the people in it, to the point that negative moments outweigh and outnumber the positive ones. Toxic relationships are mentally, emotionally, and possibly even physically damaging to one or both participants.
Toxic relationships will cause monumental breakage to people, families, and workplaces, but they aren’t necessarily the territory of the weak, downtrodden or insecure. Strong, healthy, independent people can find themselves in the white-knuckled grip of a toxic relationship. Similarly, relationships that seem to begin strong can dissolve into nothing but ash and legal fees.
Relationships also evolve. They change, and they grow. Sometimes they crash, and they burn. We never know how things will look when each other’s less than desirable habits start to show themselves more overtly.
Some relationships are all wrong from the outset, while others start off with promise and with all the right ingredients, but somewhere along the way, the right ingredients get replaced with resentment, jealousy, history, and hurt.
Love sends us to joyous, lofty heights that we never want to come down from, but the same heart that can send us into a loved-up euphoria can trip us up and have us falling into something more toxic. The hot pursuit of love can be blinding. Even worse, sometimes it’s not until you’re very deep into the unhealthy relationship that you realize something is very wrong.
A toxic relationship occurs when a person constantly undermines or causes harm to a romantic partner — whether intentionally or not. Often, they have a reason for their behavior, even if it’s subconscious. Maybe they were in a toxic relationship, either romantically or as a child. Maybe they didn’t have the most supportive, loving upbringing. They could have also been bullied in school, or be currently suffering from an undiagnosed mental health disorder, such as depression or anxiety or bipolar disorder, an eating disorder, any of the types of trauma.
At their core, toxic relationships typically manifest as someone asserting power over another and with someone questioning their self-worth or value. However, toxic relationships can be extremely hard to navigate because oftentimes, you don’t even know you’re in one in the first place. Once feelings and emotions are involved, it can get to the point where you’re oblivious to the toxicity. This is especially the case if your friends or family have ever mentioned things to you before about your unhealthy relationship that you’ve never noticed yourself.
The most serious warning signs include any form of violence, abuse, or harassment, which should be dealt with immediately. But, in many cases, the indicators of a toxic relationship are much more subtle. The first, and simplest, is persistent unhappiness. If a relationship stops bringing joy, and instead consistently makes you feel sad, angry, anxious, or resigned, it may be toxic. You may also find yourself envious of happy couples.
Negative shifts in your mental health, personality, or self-esteem are all red flags, too. These changes could range from clinically diagnosable conditions, such as depression, anxiety, or eating disorders, to constantly feeling nervous or uncomfortable — especially around your partner. Feeling like you can’t talk with or voice concerns to your significant other is another sign that something is amiss.
You should also look out for changes in your other relationships, or in the ways, you spend your free time. You may feel bad for doing things on your own time, because you feel like you have to attend to your partner all the time. You cross the line when you’re not your individual self anymore, and you’re giving everything to your partner.
Concern from family or friends should be taken seriously, particularly since people in toxic relationships are often the last to realize it. Here are some key signs of a toxic relationship:
A partner is someone for you to rely on, to be vulnerable with, and to have in your corner. In the absence of trust, none of these things are possible. Without trust, and not just trust that your partner will be faithful, but trust that your partner will behave in the best interest of the agreements of the relationship, there cannot be a sense of security."
Strong, healthy communication is critical to a relationship. Having a safe space in which to communicate is paramount to creating trust and security. Overt forms of hostile communications include:
Yelling or shouting
Name-calling or other hurtful phrases
Throwing and breaking things
Using their body for physical intimidation or force
The silent treatment
Using 'you-statements' or blaming statements
Constantly interrupting
Hostile communication can cause tension and create further distrust between partners. Rather, healthy relationships rely on open communication, cooling down before things get too heated, and respect. Open communication provides opportunities to provide and receive support between partners.
A partner never has the right to control your actions or beliefs. One controlling behavior to look out for, in particular, is threatening loss of something –– such as financial stability, time with your children, or companionship. These threats strike fear in many people and are usually reasons many people stay in unhealthy, unhappy relationships, even when wishing for the relationship to end. Other signs of controlling behavior include:
Threatening to reveal secrets
Needing to know everything you do and who you're with
Trying to manage your money
Secluding you from loved ones or always being present when you are with others
Acting like you don't know what you're talking about
Requiring access to your personal devices such as phone or email accounts
If your relationship consistently revolves around what makes your partner happy and ignores your needs, it can be a sign of toxicity. Being considerate of your partner is one thing, but if you find yourself saying no to yourself frequently to say yes to them, you might want to consider setting some boundaries. If they dismiss, belittle, or bulldoze your boundaries, that could also be a sign of a toxic relationship. Signs of a one-sided relationship include:
Always being the first one to reach out with communication
Receiving long gaps between sending a message and receiving a response
Finding yourself asking over and over for your partner to change their behavior
Having a significantly unequal division of labor, responsibility, or contribution to the relationship or household
Can you remember the last time you did something for yourself, spent time — even virtually — with a loved one, or slept soundly? It is helpful to examine how your connections outside of the relationship and with yourself have been affected. Usually, self-care and self-prioritization are neglected in a toxic relationship. Time and mental energy in toxic relationships will often be spent on the other person — either directly or indirectly through the backlash of unremitting discord and strife. Try shifting some of your energy to take care of yourself and see how your partner reacts. If their response is negative, that signals toxic traits in the relationship.
Do you often find yourself forced into a position to defend your partner? While it's easy to fall back on the mentality of 'you don't know them like I do,' an outside perspective from someone you know loves you— such as a friend or family member you trust — may be able to clearly see your partner's negative characteristics that are hard to acknowledge.
At this point you may be wondering how to get out of a toxic relationship. Though it might seem unlikely, it is actually possible to mend a toxic relationship in certain instances — but only when each partner is committed to trying to make it work. The relationship must become healthy and mutually beneficial for any potential to continue. If possible, meeting with a therapist is a great step to take. Working with a couples therapist or counselor helps provide a neutral space to talk about issues, and a skilled and non-judgmental party to witness your challenges and help you find new solutions to old problems. Platforms like Advekit online therapy can help you get matched with a couples therapist with experience in helping couples work through a toxic relationship, or assisting one partner from making an exit plan.
However, it’s important to consider that if your motivation for staying in the relationship isn't your care for the other person but fear of or disinterest in being single, it may be time to give up the relationship. If one partner refuses to work on the relationship, repeatedly acts poorly — such as breaking relationship agreements, or belittling — or is emotionally, physically, financially, or sexually abusive, it’s also a sign it’s time to make a plan to leave the relationship.
But remember, you deserve to be your truest, healthiest, best version of yourself in all of your relationships. Romantic ones especially.
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